Fucking with people, getting even and playing non-practical jokes
OK, so we have all been humiliated, embarrassed and generally succumbed to the tomfoolery of friends, strangers and just assholes we don’t like to begin with. Here, I offer some tips to not quite seek revenge, but rather turn the tables on these folks and make them think twice about trying to fuck with you. BEWARE:Many of these “pranks” or “fuckovers” as I refer to them will also include self-humiliation. So if you don’t mind looking like a jackass in front of your peers at a party or a crowd of strangers then roll up your sleeves and prepare to get dirty.
- You’re with a group of people teeming with assholes and bitches that you simply cannot stand to put up with for another minute. What a guaranteed way to get some distance between you and them? Simple: Start vigorously scratching your head (the longer your hair is the funnier this will appear) and say something out loud to yourself along the lines of “Damn these fucking lice!” or “Dude, I thought I got rid of these head lice after my 3rd Rid-X spray to the scalp?!” I can assure you that those within your vicinity will not remain there for long and probably walk away disgusted and confused, thinking only of getting home, ripping off their clothes and taking a hot, HOT sh ower. Oh, and for added effect to this FuckOver it helps if you haven’t washed your hair in several days that way when you scratch your head, it will look like it’s snowing due to all the dandruff build-up on your scalp. A nice little added effect that can impact the gross out factor ten-fold. Also make sure you’re standing RIGHT NEXT to the people you dislike for best results.
- This FuckOver is simple and clever, yet devilishly effective. Again, the scenario involves that you’re with a person you don’t really like (this time it doesn’t have to be in a crowd with your peers). While talking to the person, excuse yourself and either go to the bathroom OR go to the bathroom and pretend that you using the facilities. Once in the bathroom, lock the door behind you (common sense people! unless you really want to embarrass yourself and have someone walk in on you while peeing or taking a dump, but that’s not what this FuckOver is about). Take about three to five minutes or so if pretending, flush the toilet then run the faucet with warm/hot water and douse your hands in it. This next step is imperative: DO NOT DRY YOUR HANDS OFF. For added gross-out assurance don’t flush the toilet ONLY if you really did take a dump, why not leave it floating for the asshole to admire? Then, confidently strut out of the bathroom, tell your “friend” or whomever “Thanks for letting me use the loo” and that now you must be leaving. Then, Give them a hardy handshake with your warm, sopping wet hands. The handshake is imperative, make sure that you absolutely grapple their hand and shake it hard before leaving. While it may be a little ambiguous to the person receiving the handshake at first, they’ll quickly compile all the elements of what you just did. And for added effect, if they give you a perplexed look during the piss-warm handshake simply tell them “Oh I’m sorry, I just came out of the bathroom“ just to make it quite clear of your apparent lack of toilet sanitation. Then wait for their expression to reflect disgust as they believe your hand is soaked in what could be urine. This will no doubt leave them disgusted and running for the bathroom themselves. And hey, if you did leave a floater then they get a double-dose of fuckover. Just make sure you make your exit after the piss-shake ASAP.
- Alright, so let’s say you have a friend/roommate/close acquaintance that is a really, REALLY Mean Girl. She steals her friends (and enemies) boyfriends, lies consistently for no reason then to ruin the livelihood of others, enjoys every second of her cruel profiteering and worst of all…. SHE’S PRETTIER THAN YOU! This FuckOver comes with a huge exception: The target must be taking birth control pills. If so, then read on but be warned if this works, you will literally ruin her life and put her in her place. Also, for god’s sake…. don’t tell anyone about this specific act unless you want her to press charges against you (and I’m not entirely sure she can even do that unless she has concrete proof of what you did)! OK, so let’s say this Mean Girl is your roommate, or a BFF of one of your best friends or just another casual party acquaintance. For this to work, you need a package of TIC-TACS and must know the same color of her birth control pills, which days have already been administered and also where she keeps them. If she’s your oommate, this shouldn’t be to hard to pull off and now I think you know where I’m going with this. The devious act will have you replacing her birth control pills with TIC-TACS (trust me, if she’s the typical party-hard skank that wakes up with the taste of vomit in her mouth every morning, she won’t know the difference just by looks or taste). This is why y9u must account for any pills already taken and the color of the pills. If you can find TIC-TACS that are exactly the same in appearance, then go for it. Just don’t tell anyone what you’ve done once she becomes the “victim” of an unwanted pregnancy.
- Nothing spells FUCK YOU like heaping, piles of fresh shit. This fuckover has been played out by one of my good friends against another one of my good friends with me stuck in the middle, unfortunately trying to mediate the dispute between them. Here’s what you do: Wait until target leaves their domicile and drives off to a specified location to which the whereabouts are, you are fully aware of. Target must have a car, you must know where said car AND what model of car will be while target has it parked and the car must be unattended for at least a 2-3 hour duration. Those are the prominent stipulations for this task. It wouldn’t be much fun if you were in the process of this fuckover and the target came out to their car. This fuckover works best if target has their car parked for long hours in one location, such as when they go to work or school etc. It also helps to know what time target will be parking and leaving their car alone for the sheer shit storm. So, you know where target is headed, what time they are to arrive and obviously what type of vehicle they’re driving (performing these actions on the wrong car is very, very bad). You must then travel to targets unattended car by whatever transportation means you have; something that can get you to location and as far away from location as quickly as possible is preferable (such as your OWN car, a crotch rocket, a fucking Vespa…. whatever man). Now, before you arrive at targets unattended car, you must make one pitstop: McDonalds. While there, buy the largest amount of french fries that you can muster from your wallet. You may want to purchase two large boxes of fries depending on how large the targets vehicle is. It’s best to stop at a McDonald’s that is closest to the target car location, this way the fries stay fresh and warm (this is actually very important). Once you arrive at the targets car location, take the french fries and start spreading them evenly all over the car. Concern yourself with the flat surfaces, such as the roof, hood, trunk and if a truck, the bed. If you can somehow manage to get the fries to stick to the windows, even better. Once finished, stand back and admire your work then get the HELL OUT OF THERE. So then, you may be asking, why all of this? Why McDonalds french fries? Why their car? Simple really: Seagulls. Ever notice how when you pass the dumpster or parking lot of a McDonalds there are always a flock of fucking seagulls hovering around that place like vultures swirling around a dying animal, just waiting it out? Seagulls love to eat the scraps of McDonalds food, especially french fries. The fries are small enough for a large flock to pick at and the quantity of fries ensures every gull will get some. Once they smell those fries spread across the targets car, they’ll all come a screeching for a grand feast. And assuredly, they will also stay to relieve themselves on the targets car. Hence, the shit storm…. because that’s literally what will rain down up that poor, poor car. It will be smacked in drops of white and black. Where their were once french fries, birdshit will replace it instead. And don’t bother with any substitutes….it HAS to be McDonalds fries. Something about those over-salted fat sticks brings the hellish fury of Seagulls everywhere raining down upon the earth. As I said before, my friend performed this sadistic, yet genius fuckover on my other friends car so I know from his firsthand account that it does indeed work. He sat there and watched as turd after turd made a thick splat sound against the metallic, french-fry covered shit-bound vehicle, taking delight in every splat that occurred (my two friends were in the middle of some kind of fuckover war). So in summary: Wait for target to leave home, stop at MickeyD’s and purchase a large box of fries, find targets unattended vehicle, cover it in McDonalds french fries and let nature take it’s course. Then get the fuck out of there.
I will have more fuckovers and pranks later, but these were some at the top of my list. The first two mentioned have no gender restrictions- men and women feel free to shamelessly flaunt pee hands and head lice around! Also, here’s a little poll to determine your eligibility for pulling these ludicrous but brave acts: