Great comebacks and zingers that will leave those status-seeking social climbers speechless and reaching for that bottle of Xanax….

Sick of the so-called elitist social-climbers getting the best of you during an verbal assault? Here are a list of great zingers & comebacks that may produce the “OH SNAP!” effect….

Granted, don’t expect to just feed these lines back to your attacker and expect immediate success. You must deliver them without any verbal hiccups, impeccable timing and maybe most important of all, have an audience to appreciate your verbal smack down of your opponent. Also, it wouldn’t help to have a few (just 1 or 2) friends in your corner when confronting or confronted.

Here are some of my favorites that you can use against woman or you girls can say to your girlfriends or boyfriends around your peers  to increase the humiliation factor  (and it doesn’t matter if they’re hot or not, ripping into them with any of the following statements could leave them in emotional disarray) And other phrases that should never be said around chicks unless you want to be castrated:

  1. “Go Eat your feelings in a Cake”
  2. “Go Eat your feelings in a cake, then go vomit the cake like the anorexic slut that you are.”
  3. “Talking to you is like trying to bring an Anorexic to an All-you-can-Eat Buffet: Clearly a LOST CAUSE.”
  4. “I could see you flying around on a broomstick, cackling away while you send bolts of ugliness down below”
  5. “You can’t fuck your way out of this one” <– Best to say against one of your slutty friends
  6. “I’d rather get a blowjob from Yoda: The Force is hard with this dick”
  7. Giving advice to a friend about a potential relationship: “Remember, the quickest way to a girls bed is through her parents. Sleep with them, and you’re In!
  8. “I’m sorries I laughed at you that time you got horrendous diarrhea at Barnes and Nobles but the important thing is I forgive you for embarrassing me.”
  9. “When I got caught with my hand down my pants in a lewd manner during my highschool tenure, they made me walk around with my hand down my pants for a week. What a GREAT week!”
  10. “It’s OK to lie to women because they’re not people, rather they are devices built by the Lord Jesus Christ for our amusement and entertainment.” <– A surefire way to piss off any chick
  11. “Nothing says a good job for a women like a firm slap on the ass”
  12. “A girl answering a math question…. you know what that means? SHE’S A FUCKING WITCH!”
  13. “I bet your vagina is like an enchanted forest where elves are trapped to rot to the fowl smell of diseased fish and gargoyle excrement.”
  14. “Did you set the tanning machine to Cheese Doodle?” <– great way to make one of your friends feel even more self-conscious after a terrible tan job
  15. “VAGINA JUNCTION, WHAT’S YOUR FUNCTION? TAKING IN SPERM AND SPITTING OUT BABIES!” <– A great way to stretch your vocal chops by singing this to one of your slutty friends who is a single mom and gets pregnant again.
  16. “I’d probably be as slutty as you too if I lost my virginity to my brother”
  17. If you’re around a group of chicks and want to absolutely disgust them, let out this little gem (it’s also best if you are around a friend or four as well): “When a woman undermines your authority and she needs a gentle reminder that you’re in charge, simply grab her forcefully by the hair/head and smother her face in your crotch.”
  18. “All your problems can be solved by my penis.” <– A great setup for a girlfriend of yours that’s being overly emotional to get you laid, or to have her laugh at you hysterically in the face.
  19. “You have mosquito-bite boobs”
  20. “Chicks that describe themselves as graciously heavy or flaunt the line “fat is where it’s at” should never be allowed on a trampoline”
  21. “Methinks you should take a long stretch of sandpaper to that, moldy rank hole you call a snatch and scrape away all the STD’s”
  22. “If I take a chick to Arby’s and bang her in the bathroom, does that mean were dating?” <– a question to pose to your female OR male” friends that should generally raise some red flags
  23. “I didn’t know napkins could be worn as tops” <– say this to your female friend if they are wearing attire that is less than flattering, or just makes them appear like a fucking slut
  24. “I told my friend she needed a nose job because she kept complaining every time she was giving her man head it got in the way.”
  25. “You look like  a fucking muppet on meth with AIDS”
  26. “You have the brains, talent and looks to go as far as you want and when you do, I’ll be right there to borrow money.”
  27. “It’s really odd how every time I ask her to give me head she always says “I have a headache or my mouth is tired” but then when I ask her to watch that gay-ass vampire show True Blood on the big screen with Tator Tots, that fucking headache and mouth are miraculously cured.” <– Making your complaints known to your girlfriend or your girlfriends friends in the desperate hopes her hot hot friends will fuck you out of pity
  28. “I bet she moves her pussy muscles just right to make guys blow their loads in seconds” <– A extremely tasteful way to flatter a hot chick you’ve been pining over around your female/male friends
  29. “Are you just mad because you can’t find a cock large enough to fill up that gaping hole you call your fucking cunt? Because for the life of me I can’t quite figure out JUST what your problem is.” <– A beautifully phrased rhetorical question that any girl or guy should pose to any hateful girl that’s being a full-on bitch to you
  30. “I’ve yanked out pubes from my balls that had more personality then you”
  31. “Your face makes my penis emote a frowny face : ( “
  32. “I love broads that stupidly photobomb my phone with their nudes so I can tarnish there good image by texting all my contacts her naked body.”
  33. “We all know you’re one of those dreadful cunts that gave birth at prom and attempts to flush the kid down the toilet because you’re too stupid to find a dumpster”
  34. “I’d rather fuck Jabba the Hut and that chained muppet over you”
  35. “Did you come to this country floating on a door?”

Intentionally Bad and Distasteful Pick-up lines and Terrible ways to hit on girls that surely won’t get you laid, but are fucking funny because they are so awful (Beware, you might get punched in the dick posing some of these “compliments”):

  1. “Hey baby. ever do it in a suitcase?”
  2. “I got a coupon for Sizzler’s with your name on it”
  3. “I got Swanson’s TV Dinner in the fridge with your name on it”
  4. “My two favorite things are Commitment and Changing Myself”
  5. “Hey baby, ever do it with a registered sex offender?”
  6. Go up to  a chick and start singing that nonsensical jibberish verse from the song “Informer” by rapper “Snow” and make sure she clearly hears LICK YOUR BOOM BOOM DOWN
  7. “You’re lonely and I’m lonely, but together, we’re lonely together.”
  8. “Hey baby, how about we go back to my place and you take pictures of yourself laughing at the size of my penis.”
  9. “Oh, are these kids yours? I’m attracted to a chick with responsibility. Let’s say me and you ditch the kids in an alley and go do it in a dumpster.”
  10. “Hey baby, I’m a  sexually ambivalent manchild that lives in my mom’s basement and masturbates so frequently all my boxers crack in half when I wear them. Wanna hang out?”
  11. “You have beautiful eyes and a smile that instantly garnered my attention….. so can I record you taking a dump like a dog on some newspapers?”
  12. “Hey baby, ever do it with a guy that has a birds nest of pubes”
  13. “I like short girls with big tits, but I also have love for tiny girls with itty bitties, , chicks with big sloppy eggs over easy tits and homely girls with furry tits.” <– When a girl asks what you’re into or what your hobbies are, respond with this icing on the cake.
  14. “Hey baby, I’m on welfare and collect unemployment. Wanna hang out in my mom’s Astro van?”
  15. “Hey baby, I’ve been laid more times than the Mario Brothers have laid pipes.”
  16. “Hey baby, I bet your pussy smells like a mish mash of blue cheese and ranch dressing and that turns me on.”
  17. “You are so much hotter than the girls down at the needle exchange or the methadone clinic. Can I get your number?”
  18. “Am I pedophile or cuddly facebook friend? Guess the right answer and i’ll rape you on a date that’s sunshine and rainbows…..oh wait, did I say rape? I meant to say TAKE!” <– this one might get you arrested
  19. “Hey baby, did you know the male penis stops growing at age 13? I was devastated when I found this out.”
  20. “I think you’re very pretty and if I could walk into the pretty girl store right and you were available, I’d be begging my mommy to buy me you.”
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